Soul Searching

Posted on 29/07/2010


What is it that I seek? Is it a sense of euphoria that I want to feel on being intellectually stimulated, or do I want to taste that kind of success which elevates me to higher level in the social pyramid , or do I want power over other beings? Is acceptance amongst either the elite, or near ones what I crave for? I seek the sense of fulfillment one gets on helping society achieve more than it already has. All of previous answers would have been struck out vehemently due to the conviction I had in the last option. The keyword here being, “had”.

As years went by the process of amazement, intimidation, appreciation in the things and ways of life, faded into disillusionment, activism, frustration, resentment, and finally indifference. Rewind and replay this process through the most impressionable years of your life, and what you have is a confused, restless and numb me. Everything seems meaningless in the larger scheme of things, hence, the urge to discover what humans are meant to do their lives has become overwhelming. An answer I have failed to discover in my little readings of hardcore spiritual texts, pseudo-philosophical writings and peoples views in general. This failure, has made me even more determined to unearth something, and in the process made me insensitive to reality. I often find myself being cynical about people and situations, in a way that I know this is not how things are meant to be.

When it is this easy to detach myself from reality and negate peoples ways, why is it equally difficult to find a solution? One answer might be to go on with life, to lead a conventional life, and hope for some sort of sensation to resurface. As much as i have tried doing this, as time passes, the lethargy, the numbness, the detachment, the mocking continues to grow exponentially. As time wears away, and i find myself living either in the past or future, the futility of this exercise of finding my/our true calling stares me in my face.

Yet, this incessant drive in me knows no other way, than to search.

Posted in: Food for thought